I discover today that I am still holding onto some anger. I thought that I had worked my way through this particle source of anger but, I guess there is still some there. I really yelled at my father today. I don't think he realizes that anything he said or did when I was a child has any impact on who I am today. I know that he did better by me then was done to him. That does not change the fact that his words hurt as much as his hand, if not more. I told him today that if he wanted me to grow up and get a good job then perhaps he should have spent my childhood telling me how smart I was and encouraging me to go to college, instead of telling me how stupid and worthless I was.
I was really angry as I shared this with him. Screaming at him with little control over my words. He does not remember what he said or what he did. For him it is easy,you just walk away and let it go. For me I wonder how many land mines I am going to find in myself like the one I found today.
The other hard part was my mother sat there just like she did when I was a kid and said nothing. I think he might have stopped insisting that I was wrong if she had spoken up, she never did it then.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever work my way through all of the emotional baggage I carry. I was very surprised by my inability to just accept what he was saying and the degree of the anger the flew out of me. I know what I will be praying about tonight.