My birthday is coming and that is a reminder of so much more then the anniversary of my birth. I am wondering how I will feel this year, will I hate the day and will it be full of horrid memories or will I think back on the nice memories of last year.

Birthdays are a time to reflect. Last year I was happy with myself for telling a few friends it was my birthday and sharing it with them. It was really a wonderful day. I was occupied enough that I did not think about things too much, but when I got home in the quiet of my home those same haunting memories flooded back.

This year I hope to have a good day again. I hope to be busy enough that I do not think about it at all. My prayer for the day would be for my heart to let it go and I sleep that night soundly and peacefully and not wake feeling like it had just happened, still feeling the knife pressed against my breast.

I pray that God has healed me enough that I can just enjoy a day with friends and not even think about the past. That I will think of things like psalm 139 instead.

There is growth from last year to this year. This time last year I really did not trust anyone. I was just beginning to trust one or two people to a degree. I can honestly say there are a few people I really trust and I am able to be alone with men and not feel so scared.

I have opened my heart to God and my relationship with him has grown so much over the past year. I am still trying to take the things I have given him back from time to time. I am also still trying to do some things on my own but again from where I was last year to where I am now that is much improved as well.

I have learned the benefit of wise counsel. I have a few strong Christians in my life that I can go to.

I have learned how to be better with sharing my faith. I have opened my mouth and let the Lord use me a few times. I have used the gift of writing to express some of the things I have learned. Just writing is growth because I had writers block until very recently.

I have not thought about the things that creep around in my nightmares as much as I once did. They do not hold my every waking thought. They no longer torment me they way they once did. I am not a victim, I am a beautiful and loved child of God. I may not be worthy of that love but he gives it to me freely anyway.