silence

The silence is deafening. I know God is there but I can't feel him or hear him. It's like something in me, in my chemical make up is blocking me from reaching God, and from God reaching me.

I know I should reach out to my friends but really I can't I don't want to. I am afraid to. I don't know what it is I am afraid of. I tried embracing God in the silence. I tried praying and reaching out with my heart. Now I am trying to fill the silence. Fill it with any sound at all.

I am still

feeling like I suck. I know this is hormones and that they are just out of whack, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I feel completely down and worthless. I know it is a lie, but not listening to the lie is getting harder and harder. I feel dead inside. Like nothing matters and no one matters. Like I matter to no one. Again I know it is a lie, but that just doesn't change how I feel.

I am going to try to motivate myself to mow the lawn. Maybe that will help me feel better.