A friend kept me company tonight, last night I really wanted to be alone. Tonight I didn't feel up to the hockey game we had planned on but at the same time I did not want to be alone.

I was thinking last night that I have picked up an old pattern. I didn't talk about my friend with the people in my life. The stress of knowing that I was going to loose her was weighing on me over the holidays. I knew this was coming but I just could not talk about it.

A couple of weeks ago I was at a friends house for the purpose of talking to her. I wanted to share the burdens in my life but was finding it difficult. I did finally share some of the family stress and hurt that has been happening. The one thing that weighed most heavily on my heart I just could not bring myself to talk about.

When the call came last night that she was gone. I called to cancel of few things I knew I would not be up for, but I could talk about the loss. I couldn't share with my friend even who it was. She questioned and all I could muster was I really just can't talk right now.

Today I called her to let her know that I am ok. Told her a little about my friend. Part of my wants to hop in my car and drive many hours to see her family. That really isn't a rational thing to do. I can't sit in the car for twenty minutes never mind the amount of hours it would take to get there.

I do feel a bit lost still. I know this is going to take some getting use to. Time and faith will see me through. In the meantime I am withdrawing into myself, that's ok as long as I don't close my heart to those who love me.

Grief is a funny thing. One moment I feel like crying and I long to be with those who feel this loss the way I do. The next I remember something wacky from our teen years and I feel myself smile through the tears.


Tonight I laid on the couch with the bear we patched up together. A lingering piece to hold onto.

I said I know some that have not suffered a close loss in their lives, in some ways I envy that. In other ways I don't. There is something about the process of grieving that is beautiful and reminds you of how special and fragile this life is.

I will never be happy that she is gone. She was way to young and suffered way to long. I still can't see the good in that. She deserved a full life and she didn't get one. She was sick for so long, she suffered for so long. There is still something beautiful about going through a loss. Seeing life through a new perspective. Tears and laughter rolled into one. We all have to go there someday. We all have to face loosing someone we love. We all have to face our own mortality. That is the hardest part of loosing someone it reminds us that we are not immortal. Our time here is limited and we do not have control over it.

I have peace in knowing where I am going when I die.