Today

Is a better day. The cream I have been using to balance out my hormones is working and I feel more human.

It's not completely better and after a long day I had several friends who called me for advice or help. I started to feel overwhelmed. I am happy to help my friends and be a support to them but I am not feeling very stable today so it was hard.

My friend Mel made a good point, she thinks that God had all those people call me today to show me that I am needed and that I do have worth. :-)

It amazes me that a physical problem can have such a huge impact on how I feel. I guess the difference for me now from the past is that I can see it is a lie even when I am feeling it.

I felt so torn from knowing what I believe to how I felt at that moment. I don't even really know the words to describe what I felt. There was a point where I wished I was dead. I thought about how quickly I could die if I cut my wrists. The the thought that no one would notice I wasn't around for a few days and that the dog would get hungry and how cruel that would be to her. I could not bake yesterday. I sort of wanted to but I could not find the energy. I did get the lawn done so that was an accomplishment. On days like that I only ask of myself some small accomplishment.


I still feel disconnected from God. Like that chemical block is still in place. I can't feel him or hear him, but I can see that Mel had a point. I tried to blog but I could not write. Later on last night I started to see the light and I knew the medication was working.

It can be so discouraging to feel so disconnected from God. I know the truth of God's love. I can see how people who are depressed all the time can loose faith or not believe. I count myself lucky. God makes such a point of showing me his love everyday of my life. I am learning to hold onto that. Keep those thoughts and images when the lies start to popping in.

It's just so hard to hear the truth and embrace that truth when the lies are so much louder.