Renee wrote "at times like this i don't feel any "better." i just feel like i'm pretending, and i worry that underneath this pretending, i am hollow and needy and broken."


Wow, that's how I feel most of the time. Strange to see someone else write it so clearly when I struggle to find the words, and the words that I do find never seem to come close explaining how I feel.

In a nut shell pretending hollow needy and broken that is me.

I pretend that I am alright when I am not. Really there is only one place I truly feel safe just being my broken self. The family I spent Thanksgiving with, I am safe there. When I am scared and need to run, that is where I run too. Not all that long ago there was 2 others. One I know why it was lost, the other really not so sure. That friend is going through his own troubles and maybe I just don't want to dump mine on him right now. So, I pretend all is well when it is not. I do my best to hide my pain whether it be physical or emotional. I know how thin that layer of pretense is, how easily it could be shattered. Under it I am not sure what would be found.

I feel bad for wanting and needing friends, and I mean true friends not casual acquaintance. God should be enough, yet there are still times when I just want someone to hold me and tell me it is all alright. Without that assurance I feel so hollow and broken and useless.

My constant struggle to leave my life in Gods hands; I know that he has it all under control I know that he is healing me at his pace, for my own good; I know that God is using all of this to serve him. Here I sit pretending all is well feeling completely broken inside.