Boys who are freaked out by girl issues should not read this post.

Okay so last night I made a good friend of mine laugh and the truth is I was laughing with her so don't think badly of my friend. She was laughing in a I share your pain sense. Women can do that!

It started with my saying to her I finally understand why God blessed me with the few close friends that I have and understand why they are older then me. She being one of those older close friends asked why is that. I shared with her that I have not been sleeping well because my internal thermostat seems broken and I have been waking up roasting hot and thought about going outside and rolling in the snow a few nights ago.

I have many "female issues" and the treatment for those issues has been to put my body into menopause. I have been through menopause 3 times so far. Having such a vast prior knowledge of this wretched thing women have to go through, I was not in doubt about what was happening to me. My body is starting menopause and I am not yet 40. In fact I have a couple more years to reach that mark. I have friends my age and friends that are younger none of which can understand what this is like. In some ways it is a relief and in others in breaks my heart, but at least I am not alone. I have three women friends who are going through it too and they will be there to talk to and laugh with and grieve with.

I fought so long and so hard to hold onto my female baby producing parts. Holding onto the hope of having a baby someday. I had not given up HOPE. I did not trust the Drs I trust that God could do it if that is in the plan, and HOPE is what has seen me through so many sleepless nighs of pain.

These night sweats are the beginning of the end of that hope. It is also hope that my pain and suffering will end. There is that but I have lived with pain for so long that I really have not been seeking that hope, for I am accustom to it.

Over the past couple of months I have noticed one of the three was different. She was not her usual bubbly self. I pulled her aside on Sunday and asked her if she was okay because I had seen this change. She shared with me that it was that she is in full blown menopause and learning to cope with all of the changes in her body. She said you know what that is like! She was so right about that point. I did not tell her then that I have started this was a time for me to be listening to her but I know she will return the favor someday. Our chat enabled me to be more direct in my prayers for her and I was able to tell her I love her and have been praying.

I have never been good at sleeping so the fact that this is interrupting the sleep I do get is not making me happy. I am angry that I have not had children and that I am forced to give up my hope. I am grieving this loss and I am not myself. I feel less alone since I realized how God prepared me for this with the people he has put into my life. I am thankful for this and angry at the same time.

I am also jealous, one of my dearest friends who is younger then me is having a baby. This has not been an easy road for her and she is in my prayers and I have been doing every thing I can do long distance to be a help and comfort to her. Try as I might as I view pictures and ultra sounds and baby clothes and think of what to get her as a gift when the baby comes I can not help but feel jealous. I am so happy for her but I wish I was there too. I don't wish to take it from her but to be going through it too.

Wow it feels good to put that out there and not lock it up inside. I have not shared how I feel with anyone including myself. I have been locking it all up and trying to just ignore it. We all know how well that works! Now I think it is time to put some time into prayer then head out to have my passport picture taken.